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Post by beth on Sept 4, 2016 8:46:52 GMT -5
Bang up to date with this one.......... I'm so sorry; I don't get it.
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Post by Soulman on Sept 4, 2016 8:58:52 GMT -5
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Post by beth on Sept 4, 2016 9:02:20 GMT -5
Oh dear! Should have known.
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Post by Soulman on Sept 4, 2016 11:55:23 GMT -5
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."..
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Post by Soulman on Sept 17, 2016 17:29:41 GMT -5
A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "
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Post by Sysop3 on Sept 19, 2016 20:03:12 GMT -5
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!
Mormons: Just one, after his wives have gotten on the school bus.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
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Post by Soulman on Jan 9, 2017 12:18:21 GMT -5
I use to date a girl called Lorraine Lee but the truth is I fancied her sister. So, after we split up, I thought to myself I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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Post by Soulman on Jan 9, 2017 12:21:06 GMT -5
Pretend to be a professional tennis player by wiping your face on a towel every 30 seconds and then throwing it at a child.
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Jan 9, 2017 13:23:53 GMT -5
I use to date a girl called Lorraine Lee but the truth is I fancied her sister. So, after we split up, I thought to myself I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone. Hi Soulman, You might fancy her sister, but does she fancy you? Apart from that, why didn't it work out with Lorraine Lee? You might have traits that she didn't care for so she might influence her sister to stay away from you. Have you heard of ' girl talk '? Anyway, I wish you the best in giving it your best shot. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Jan 9, 2017 13:28:03 GMT -5
I do hope that I shall not fall foul of the code of this board with only my third posting but I will chance my arm. An Irishman says to an Englishman, 'Do you know how an Irish girl gets pregnant?' The Englishman replies, 'how does an Irish girl get pregnant?' The Irishman raises his eyes to heaven and says, 'Beejayzus, and you think the Irish are stupid!' Hi MikeMarshall, That's an oldie from way back, but good just the same. It's alright in my book.
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Jan 9, 2017 14:10:14 GMT -5
Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. So Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers-by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?" One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that one shoelace was undone? Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy look off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "There y'are! It clearly says Tai wan !!!!! You've lost me on that one too!!! Second time around, it is as clear as a bell. I don't understand how I didn't understand it the first time around. Crazy.!!!
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Post by Soulman on Jul 9, 2018 16:33:12 GMT -5
Did you know karaoke wasn't invented in Japan, it was invented in India by a chap called Gerupta Singh
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Post by Soulman on Aug 16, 2018 13:55:09 GMT -5
Just got back from the doctor. He said, "I can't find anything wrong, it must be the drink." I said, " OK, I'll come back when you're sober."
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Post by Soulman on Apr 25, 2019 15:28:32 GMT -5
‘’Would you like to see where Dick Turpin lived.’’ ‘’Sure would.’’ ‘’No, that's Robin Hood.’’
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Post by Soulman on May 14, 2019 15:21:06 GMT -5
Two Irishmen are loooking through a mail order catolouge and looking at the lingerie section, paddy says "Look at those gorgeous women and the prices are reasonable too i'm going to order one" Mick says "I am too" three days later paddy says "Has your women arrived yet?" Mick replies "She shouldnt be too long her clothes arrived yesterday"
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