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Post by Soulman on Nov 16, 2015 16:47:55 GMT -5
They're not happy in Gaza .. They're not happy in Egypt .. They're not happy in Libya .. They're not happy in Morocco .. They're not happy in Iran .. They're not happy in Iraq .. They're not happy in Yemen ... They're not happy in Afghanistan ... They're not happy in Pakistan .. They're not happy in Syria .. They're not happy in Lebanon ... SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY? They're happy in Australia .. They're happy in Canada .. They're happy in England .. They're happy in France .. They're happy in Italy .. They're happy in Germany .. They're happy in Sweden .. They're happy in the USA .. They're happy in Norway .. They're happy in Holland .. They're happy in Denmark .. Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is! AND WHO DO THEY BLAME? Not Islam. Not their leadership. Not themselves THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN ! AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY! Excuse me, but I can't help wondering... How frigging dumb can you get? Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence: - No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops - No hot dogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower - More than one wife - More than one mother-in-law - You can't shave - Your wife can't shave - You can't wash off the smell of donkeys - You cook over burning camel shit - Your wife is picked by someone else for you - and your wife smells worse than your donkey - Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better" Well No Shit Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse!
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Post by mouse on Nov 17, 2015 4:55:29 GMT -5
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered.. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'
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Post by Soulman on Dec 4, 2015 15:33:19 GMT -5
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.
" Mohammad returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two bloody Arabs."
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Post by Dex on Dec 12, 2015 18:48:29 GMT -5
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
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Post by Soulman on Dec 24, 2015 6:02:29 GMT -5
"I've found your hamster," I told my daughter over the phone.
"You're a hero!" she screamed, "Thank you so much. Can you put him back in my cage for me?"
I said, "Of course. I just need to get him out of the hoover first though."
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Post by Soulman on Dec 30, 2015 13:49:40 GMT -5
I choked on a gobstopper once, and came up with a name for a Welsh village.
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Dec 31, 2015 22:58:34 GMT -5
I choked on a gobstopper once, and came up with a name for a Welsh village. Hi Soulman, you made me laugh out loud not because you choked on a gobstopper, but because of what you said afterwards. You're really funny.!!!
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Dec 31, 2015 23:02:43 GMT -5
I do hope that I shall not fall foul of the code of this board with only my third posting but I will chance my arm. An Irishman says to an Englishman, 'Do you know how an Irish girl gets pregnant?' The Englishman replies, 'how does an Irish girl get pregnant?' The Irishman raises his eyes to heaven and says, 'Beejayzus, and you think the Irish are stupid!' I got that one Mike Marshall, but we shouldn't be too hard on the Irish. I do like their brogue.
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Dec 31, 2015 23:07:38 GMT -5
Well, I'm not American, but this one made me laugh out loud at my desk way back when someone emailed it to me: Donald Rumsfeld was giving the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!" His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sat, head in hands. Finally, the President looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?" [/quot Hi Michiganmagpie, Was that Bush Senior or Junior or was it Clinton?
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Dec 31, 2015 23:10:57 GMT -5
For the non golfers amongst us (golfers will have heard this one) The Bee Sting.. A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?' 'I was stung by a bee,' she said. 'Where,' he asked. 'Between the first and second hole,' she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, 'That's because your stance is too wide.' Got that one too Chriswood.!!!
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Jan 1, 2016 4:31:25 GMT -5
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We Need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!! Hi Markindurham, It seems the Irish are popular people. I wonder why?
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Jan 2, 2016 8:02:55 GMT -5
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?" Very clever Dex. Two words certainly makes a difference.
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Jan 2, 2016 8:27:37 GMT -5
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered.. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’ The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.' Wow.!!! That certainly takes brains. Wish I had thought of that. LOL
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Post by Scottish Lassie on Jan 2, 2016 8:40:16 GMT -5
Loved them all, thanks for the posts
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Post by Soulman on Jan 15, 2016 17:52:10 GMT -5
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves. Also a 24 hour supply of food and drink, a de-icer, rock salt, torch & spare batteries. In addition they should take a safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit & jump leads..
I looked like a right berk on the bus this morning!
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