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Post by Soulman on Dec 20, 2011 15:47:37 GMT -5
There's an Irish contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? he doesn't know the answer. Chris Tarrant says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend." The Irishman says: "I'll phone a friend, please Chris." He gets on the phone and says: "Hi Seamus, I just want to ask you, do you think I should do 50/50 or ask the audience?"
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Post by Soulman on Jan 8, 2012 15:55:03 GMT -5
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got 1 arm bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?" He said "I'm going to change a light bulb." I pissed myself laughing and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it? "Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt, you sarcastic git" !!!.....
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Post by sadie on Jan 10, 2012 11:25:15 GMT -5
Oh....those were good!!!! chuckle chuckle
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Post by Soulman on Jan 15, 2012 17:32:41 GMT -5
French breast implant company PIP are looking at the possibility of removing useless tits - Apparently, Nick Clegg , David Cameron , Anjem Choudray and Gary Neville are top of the list.
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Post by Soulman on Jan 26, 2012 17:02:21 GMT -5
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Post by Soulman on Feb 7, 2012 14:50:27 GMT -5
My mate came around last night despondent over a break up with his girlfriend. I thought she was a cracking girl,so I asked what had caused it. He said, "We went back to her place and we were up for our first night of passion. Whilst she was in the bathroom, I checked her wardrobe and found a nurse's outfit, a French Maid's outfit and a Police womans uniform. I thought to myself that if she can't hold down a job, she is not the woman for me!"
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Post by maggie on Feb 8, 2012 12:50:08 GMT -5
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed....Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Post by Soulman on Feb 8, 2012 15:04:45 GMT -5
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed....Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. ;D
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Post by fretslider on Feb 9, 2012 12:51:08 GMT -5
Protected sex in Liverpool means doing it in a bus shelter
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Post by Soulman on Feb 13, 2012 17:41:25 GMT -5
A Chinese man rings his boss "Me no work, Me sick".. the boss replies "When i'm sick, i make love to my wife, after a couple of hours, i feel ok"......Two hours later the Chinese man rings his boss....." Me feel ok now, you got nice house"
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Post by Soulman on Jun 5, 2012 3:36:32 GMT -5
The Queen and David Cameron are on the same stage at Jubilee in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Mr Cameron and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Cameron arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!"
So the Queen, with one swift wave, back-handed him in the mouth.
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Post by mouse on Jun 5, 2012 5:10:13 GMT -5
The Queen and David Cameron are on the same stage at Jubilee in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Mr Cameron and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Cameron arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!" So the Queen, with one swift wave, back-handed him in the mouth. oh if only ;D
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Post by beth on Jun 5, 2012 8:57:28 GMT -5
: )
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Post by Soulman on Jun 9, 2012 6:10:12 GMT -5
My mate had a male to female sex change operation last week.It was definitely a success, he's still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.
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Post by Soulman on Jun 9, 2012 13:21:32 GMT -5
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth." Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern- day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." Spokespersons for the Union in the northeast of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway." Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
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