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Post by chriswood on Nov 22, 2011 6:50:45 GMT -5
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Yorkshire Lass are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcohol beer (coz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Yorkshire Lass, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass intothe air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Yorkshire, we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' Don't you just love the Yorkshire sense of humour?
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Post by fretslider on Nov 22, 2011 8:11:20 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Soulman on Nov 22, 2011 15:12:13 GMT -5
Old Chinese proverb man who confused laxative with viagra..... crap in bed
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Post by maggie on Nov 22, 2011 15:41:59 GMT -5
Confucius he say .......... kiss a thief, count your teeth.
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Post by chriswood on Nov 24, 2011 15:11:50 GMT -5
Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool.
His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.
So Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.
Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers-by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"
One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that one shoelace was undone?
Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.
When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy look off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.
"There y'are! It clearly says ....
Taiwan !!!!!
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Post by Soulman on Nov 28, 2011 13:52:54 GMT -5
A police officer stops a man who is driving his car with his wife in the passenger seat.The man says "What's the problem officer?" "You were doing at least 75 in a 70 limit."Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were doing 80." Officer: "I'm also going to book you for a broken rear light."Man: "Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken light!"Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known abou...t that light for weeks."Officer: "I'm also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt."Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."Man turns to his wife and shouts, "Shut your mouth."Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like that?"Wife says: "No only when he's drunk."
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2011 14:08:21 GMT -5
A police officer stops a man who is driving his car with his wife in the passenger seat.The man says "What's the problem officer?" "You were doing at least 75 in a 70 limit."Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you were doing 80." Officer: "I'm also going to book you for a broken rear light."Man: "Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken light!"Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known abou...t that light for weeks."Officer: "I'm also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt."Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."Man turns to his wife and shouts, "Shut your mouth."Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like that?"Wife says: "No only when he's drunk." ;D
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Post by chriswood on Nov 29, 2011 13:58:49 GMT -5
Drunk Driver - True story from Australia
Drunk Driving....THIS is absolutely brilliant!
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles.
The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"
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Post by chriswood on Dec 1, 2011 14:39:14 GMT -5
The Agony of Dyslexia After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
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Post by Soulman on Dec 2, 2011 15:38:19 GMT -5
Just bought a jehovahs witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door, it immediately slams shut again.
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Post by Soulman on Dec 12, 2011 17:41:00 GMT -5
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any Chemist Shop.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local Chemist Shop and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
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Post by markindurham on Dec 13, 2011 15:20:56 GMT -5
CONDOM HISTORY Interesting piece of history! In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first... Enjoy!
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Post by Soulman on Dec 13, 2011 17:05:11 GMT -5
CONDOM HISTORY Interesting piece of history! In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine. In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first... Enjoy! Our local Muslim optician passed away the other day....Asif Icare.
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Post by Soulman on Dec 18, 2011 15:50:41 GMT -5
China has given Edinburgh two giant pandas. Hugely overweight, massive tits, and two black eyes....It's like they're Scottish already.
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Post by Soulman on Dec 18, 2011 15:51:55 GMT -5
Just a friendly reminder to my JT friends about drinking and driving this Christmas. Last night i left the car at the pub as i had a fair few scoops, and so i took the bus instead. I was so proud of myself this morning as i have never driven a bus before.
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