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Post by Soulman on Jun 14, 2012 14:34:16 GMT -5
I hope Poland get knocked out of the Euros soon........my car is filthy.
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Post by Soulman on Jul 4, 2012 16:25:10 GMT -5
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: ‘You get out and check – you were driving. ‘The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. “You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ‘ says Cherie. Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. ‘My goodness, what happened to you?’ asks Cherie. The chauffeur replies: ‘ When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. ‘ ‘What on earth did you say?’ asks Cherie. ‘ I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ‘ I’m Cherie Blair’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.
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Post by Soulman on Aug 1, 2012 13:50:45 GMT -5
Paddy's left the Irish Synchronised Swimming Team.... He is fed up with everyone copying him.
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Post by Soulman on Aug 1, 2012 14:33:30 GMT -5
Of course Team GB women won the rowing....it's the same basic movement as ironing...
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Post by maggie on Aug 1, 2012 14:38:40 GMT -5
Of course Team GB women won the rowing....it's the same basic movement as ironing...
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Post by Soulman on Aug 1, 2012 15:15:18 GMT -5
Of course Team GB women won the rowing....it's the same basic movement as ironing... ;D ;D
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Post by Soulman on Aug 9, 2012 16:42:40 GMT -5
Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but the pass the parcel was quick.........
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Post by thunder on Aug 9, 2012 17:41:39 GMT -5
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough air points.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all about how they make money. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian woman. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the Martian strips. But, he's got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm long and 1 cm thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well." she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me."
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Maureen, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied. "I got a terrible headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
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Post by Soulman on Aug 17, 2012 11:52:14 GMT -5
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
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Post by foreversunshine on Aug 26, 2012 7:59:19 GMT -5
Hahahaha!
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Post by Soulman on Sept 24, 2012 12:46:09 GMT -5
The pilgrimage to Bin Laden's grave is doing well.
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Post by markindurham on Sept 24, 2012 12:57:15 GMT -5
The pilgrimage to Bin Laden's grave is doing well. *grins*
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Post by fretslider on Sept 24, 2012 13:03:53 GMT -5
The pilgrimage to Bin Laden's grave is doing well. Are fish haram or halal? OBL ended up with 72 fishes!
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davemorton
Apprentice
Safe, Reliable Insanity, Since 1961!
Posts: 120
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Post by davemorton on Sept 26, 2012 1:24:46 GMT -5
I tried to write a drinking song, but I couldn't get past the first two bars. {hic!}
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Post by markindurham on Sept 29, 2012 8:51:51 GMT -5
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
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