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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 7:34:24 GMT -5
One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she'd had a party then night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."
"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times.
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 7:40:57 GMT -5
For the non golfers amongst us (golfers will have heard this one)
The Bee Sting..
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee,' she said.
'Where,' he asked.
'Between the first and second hole,' she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'That's because your stance is too wide.'
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ladylinda
Moderatorz
Poetry Editor
July 2011 Member of the Month, May 2014 Member of the Month
Posts: 4,901
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Post by ladylinda on Oct 21, 2011 9:40:03 GMT -5
There is a rumour going around that Eddie Stobbart's life is to be made into a film, As I have seen plenty of the trailors it should be good. That's brilliant, Chris! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 12:18:25 GMT -5
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin ,he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price," and handed over his money.
"Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman...........
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Post by maggie on Oct 21, 2011 12:27:23 GMT -5
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin ,he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price," and handed over his money. "Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman........... hahaha ........... if only that were true! ;D
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 12:34:03 GMT -5
I have often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
My answer is............................
"Well...I am fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
I hope this makes retirement appear as less of a threat to all you younger posters
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 12:37:57 GMT -5
A special one for Soulman.
Many years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since many of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat
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Post by markindurham on Oct 21, 2011 12:50:31 GMT -5
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'. Arriving in a hotel in Dublin ,he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary." Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's a very competitive price," and handed over his money. "Will you be wanting a glass with that?" enquired the barman........... Brilliant! ;D
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Post by Soulman on Oct 21, 2011 13:00:56 GMT -5
I had a brand new electronice garage door installed last week. It's voice controlled and opens when it hears my wife's voice. To be honest I haven't seen the thing shut yet.
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Post by maggie on Oct 21, 2011 13:05:22 GMT -5
A special one for Soulman. Many years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But since many of the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 17:42:18 GMT -5
'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on, 'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't.' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase!'
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 17:43:53 GMT -5
Another one for Soulmans approval.
An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 17:45:30 GMT -5
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . . 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 17:46:58 GMT -5
And to make the circle complete.
Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead
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Post by pipsqueak on Oct 21, 2011 17:50:40 GMT -5
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . . 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . . I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!! lol
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