Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2010 20:36:07 GMT -5
Well, I'm not American, but this one made me laugh out loud at my desk way back when someone emailed it to me: Donald Rumsfeld was giving the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!" His staff sat stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sat, head in hands. Finally, the President looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?" [/quot
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Post by biglin on Apr 22, 2010 7:47:42 GMT -5
Slightly less than a trazillion!
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Post by sadie on Jun 7, 2010 10:49:03 GMT -5
The latest telephone poll taken by the Arizona Governor's office asked whether people who live in Arizona think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% responded, "Yes, it is a very serious problem."
71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."
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Post by fretslider on Jun 7, 2010 13:30:38 GMT -5
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Post by chriswood on Oct 19, 2011 12:08:28 GMT -5
Dear Chef, he was being payed compliments about his appearance, the bar men said it must have been the nuts that were talking as they were complimentary.
In the UK that means free at the point of sale.
Is that better?
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Post by Soulman on Oct 20, 2011 13:27:16 GMT -5
Panic buying at KFC as people hear that the Colonel's dead!.
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Post by markindurham on Oct 20, 2011 14:15:05 GMT -5
Panic buying at KFC as people hear that the Colonel's dead!. ;D ;D ;D
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Post by chriswood on Oct 20, 2011 17:35:12 GMT -5
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.
A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.
He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"
"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"
"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear?
You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."
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Post by chriswood on Oct 20, 2011 17:36:30 GMT -5
Tough looking group of bikers were riding along when they saw a pretty girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to end it all," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she wraps her arms around the big bloke’s neck and gives him a long, deep, lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could make someone very happy. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
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Post by chriswood on Oct 20, 2011 17:39:54 GMT -5
Subject: How is your day going?
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Post by chriswood on Oct 20, 2011 17:42:59 GMT -5
I see exit signs are on the way out.
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Post by chriswood on Oct 20, 2011 17:44:09 GMT -5
The Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Queensland & NSW, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex.'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F... him'.
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 7:27:17 GMT -5
There is a rumour going around that Eddie Stobbart's life is to be made into a film, As I have seen plenty of the trailors it should be good.
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 7:29:57 GMT -5
BLOODY women drivers!!
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman in a brand new BMW. Doing 75Mph with her Face up next to her Rear view mirror putting on her bloody eyeliner!
I looked away For a couple seconds.And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. I is a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much :---------
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the phone soaked my trousers and disconnected an important business call.
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Post by chriswood on Oct 21, 2011 7:31:34 GMT -5
A man was in the wilds of NorthThanet with his friend and all was going well until his mate took ill and died. The man was worried and called 999, explaining that his friend was dead and asking what he should do.
The dispatcher said, 'First things first, Sir. Let's make sure he really is dead before we do anything else.'
There was a short silence, followed by a gun shot.
The man returned to the phone and said, 'OK. Now what?'
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