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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2010 22:59:59 GMT -5
A Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'
The Lord led the holy man to two doors.
He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.
In the middle of the room was a large round table..
In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew,
which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.
The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly.
They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.
But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.
The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.
The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.. They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one.
There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.
The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.
The holy man said, 'I don't understand.
'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill.
You see, they have learned to feed each other.
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Post by Wonder Woman on Apr 18, 2010 23:28:50 GMT -5
LOL ~ I've read that before but always loved it. Seems like the moral of the story is that the scenery may not differ, it's what you do with it that makes where you are heaven or hell.
I gotta concur.
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Post by beth on Apr 21, 2010 21:18:34 GMT -5
Told to me a long time ago by a little Catholic lady named (what else?) Mary. Not PC, but good for a grin. I dreamed I had died and been ushered into heaven through the pearly gates by St. Peter. We went up a path to an incredibly beautiful mansion that stretched out on either side, farther than the eye could see. We went in and started down a long hall with doors on either side. I asked if I could look inside the doors and St. Peter smiled and nodded. The first door opened onto a summer meadow dotted with picnic tables and grills. Men, women and children were sipping iced drinks, playing volley ball and laughing. "Who are they?" I asked. "Why, those are the Methodists, having one of their church picnics," he said. The next door opened to the interior of a beautiful church with choir stalls on either side. Choirs of men, women and children lifted their voices in song. Peter explained, "These are the Baptists having their weekly practice session." On we went, down the hall, opening doors here and there. I saw the Catholics enjoying one of their church fairs with a spaghetti supper, bingo game and rides for the children. Next the Jewish families attending a huge bar mitzvah. Then, the Buddhists at a Vesak festival, and on and on through the people of the religions of the Earth. Finally, we came to the very last door. From inside, I could hear loud crashes and what sounded like the wailing born of human suffering. I put out my hand to open the door, but Peter stopped me, frowning slightly and shook his head. "Oh, but I MUST see'< I implored him. In a hushed voice he agreed, but told me I could only keep the door open a moment and must be very quiet. I looked in to an amazing landscape. There was a mountain to the east and on one of the ledges stood a man cloaked in black robes, holding a staff. He pointed the staff to the dark, clouded sky and shook it, bringing jagged bolts of lightning down on the people. He stopped now and then to read from an open bible and run his had over a large slab on which the 10 Commandments were written. The people below moaned and wailed - not seeming to realize the could move away if they chose. St. Peter reached past me and softly shut the door. "It's the Fundamentalists", he said . . . . . "They think they're the only ones here."
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Post by Wonder Woman on Apr 21, 2010 21:51:08 GMT -5
A couple made a deal that which ever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. Mary ... Mary ....
Is that you Fred ?
Yes, I have come back like we agreed.
What is it like?
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty all afternoon Supper-then sex till late at night, Sleep then start all over again.
Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.
Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Texas .
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Post by Wonder Woman on Apr 28, 2010 14:43:31 GMT -5
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter , who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The woman replies, "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2010 18:05:21 GMT -5
They have to have a special section for the Catholics in Heaven - set a long way away from the rest of the residents - because, as St Peter explained to the latest arrival, 'they think they are the only ones here.'
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Post by Wonder Woman on Apr 28, 2010 18:20:11 GMT -5
I can't be sure, of course, but doesn't it seem kind of disrespectful to be telling jokes in this section that's meant for reverent and humble discussion?
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Post by beth on Apr 28, 2010 19:59:50 GMT -5
I think that's commonly called irreverence - and irreverence in OK in it's place. Best suggestion might be to add a thread or pump up one of the others.
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Post by Wonder Woman on Apr 28, 2010 20:06:21 GMT -5
Love the sin. Hate the sinner.
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Post by beth on Apr 28, 2010 20:51:46 GMT -5
LOL Or vice versa.
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Post by beth on Apr 29, 2010 7:38:51 GMT -5
This is a slightly different take - snipped from the last half of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. I've always enjoyed the poem and especially this part. ----- LXVI I sent my Soul through the Invisible, Some letter of that After-life to spell: And by and by my Soul return'd to me, And answer'd "I Myself am Heav'n and Hell:"
LXVII Heav'n but the Vision of fulfill'd Desire, And Hell the Shadow from a Soul on fire, Cast on the Darkness into which Ourselves, So late emerged from, shall so soon expire.
LXVIII We are no other than a moving row Of Magic Shadow-shapes that come and go Round with the Sun-illumined Lantern held In Midnight by the Master of the Show;
LXIX But helpless Pieces of the Game He plays Upon this Chequer-board of Nights and Days; Hither and thither moves, and checks, and slays, And one by one back in the Closet lays.
LXX The Ball no question makes of Ayes and Noes, But Here or There as strikes the Player goes; And He that toss'd you down into the Field, He knows about it all--He knows--HE knows!
LXXI The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.
LXXII And that inverted Bowl they call the Sky, Whereunder crawling coop'd we live and die, Lift not your hands to It for help--for It As impotently moves as you or I.
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Kay
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Post by Kay on Apr 30, 2010 21:12:28 GMT -5
Hi Jen,
I've always loved the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. This is one of my all time favorites:
"The Moving Finger writes: and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it."
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Post by beth on Apr 30, 2010 21:50:34 GMT -5
Hi Jen, I've always loved the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. This is one of my all time favorites: "The Moving Finger writes: and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it." I do too, Kay. That verse speaks a lot of truth. Then there's this one - nothing much to do with religion, but it has its charm. A Book of Verses underneath the Bough, A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread--and Thou Beside me singing in the Wilderness-- Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!
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Post by Deleted on May 1, 2010 9:29:38 GMT -5
The Humanist's Prayer
Every night I pray that those with large scientific grants will get open minds and those with open minds will get large scientific grants
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Post by beth on May 1, 2010 15:18:37 GMT -5
Another favorite of mine from Douglas Adams:
Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
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